


Black and Blue

by incredibly_cold



Series: The Hamfam goes to college [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Abusive Father, Emotional Abuse, Gen, Internalized Homophobia, Self Loathing, henry is the devil, homophobic parents, honestly this is mostly pain, oh yeah also religious upbringing, racist parents, self destructive behavior, sort of depression, vague nondescriptive violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-04-19
Packaged: 2018-06-03 04:14:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6596302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/incredibly_cold/pseuds/incredibly_cold
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John wasn't sure when he started getting in fights. Some time in high school at least. He remembered his first fight. That was the only one he remembered very well, now there were so many that they all blurred together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Black and Blue

John wasn't sure when he started getting in fights. Some time in high school at least. He remembered his first fight. That was the  _only_  one he remembered very well, now there were so many that they all blurred together.

* * *

 

He'd been defending a tiny girl from her boyfriend, a burly ROTC kid who was well known for mistreating women. She was struggling against his hold on her shoulders when John passed them in the hall. He didn't have any context for what was going on between the two of them, he knew that he couldn't just ignore it. He pulled her out of his grasp, which was surprisingly easy since the other boy clearly didn't expect anyone else to interfere. She might have run off then, or more likely he lost her in the crowd of other students walking past. It wasn't like he was looking though, she was out of harms way, and he was more preoccupied with the boy nearly twice his size who was coming towards him.

 

It was John who threw the first punch, just as fearless and rash then as he was now. He didn't miss, but he also didn't know how to hit, so it wasn't effective. The other boy was considerably more skilled. The fist connected with his jaw and he was falling backwards . No one caught him, and he landed hard on the floor.

 

That was the first time he'd ever been punched in the face so hard, and it left him too dazed to get up. He stayed there on the ground, holding his cheek, and felt the larger boy kick him in the ribs. That was when a teacher came and broke it up. Thinking back on it, they must both have been underclassmen, since they accepted that he had the authority to end the conflict. Realistically, he wouldn't have been able to stop the other boy if he'd tried to keep fighting.

 

Naturally, both of them were sent to the principal's office. They were kept in separate rooms, and John was given an ice pack for his cheek. He waited there for his father and felt the fear and shame building up inside him.

 

He would be in trouble, that much was certain. He was the son of a politician, he was supposed to behave himself. When he didn't, he was shaming the whole family and hurting his dad's career. Senator Henry Laurens couldn't be known to have a hoodlum of a son who got in fights at school, it would be bad publicity. That was one thing that had always been very important to him, publicity. He was a conservative republican, but he presented himself as being moderate, and one of the people. He was still rich, but he'd married a poor woman, which proved that he wasn't as classist. Furthermore, he'd married a poor  _Latina_  woman, which also showed that he wasn't racist. The younger, more liberal people liked him, and he made sure to keep it that way. Having his oldest son step out of line like this would not help his public image at all. Most of it was lies, of course. In reality he had a very low opinion of poor people, and though he would never admit it, he assumed that anyone who was black or hispanic was a criminal. Or close to everyone, pretty well dressed women were an exception.

 

After what he judged to be about an hour, he heard the all-too-familiar honeyed voice of his dad. Even with the sweet, concerned tone that he was using with the secretaries outside the door, John felt bile rising in his throat. He would be inside with him in a matter of seconds. He breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth in an effort to calm his mind, to steel himself against whatever was coming his way.

 

"Jacky?" His father's head poked in through the doorway, his face full of false concern. Henry had the same hazel eyes, and freckles. The latter were less visible, as they had blended in with the rest of the sun damage on his face. He was using John's nickname, that wasn't a good sign. At least not in this situation. It meant he was making an extra effort to pretend to be the loving father, which also indicated that he was not feeling like a loving father. He felt his stomach twist as he stepped all the way inside and closed the door. When he turned around, the pretense was gone. He still didn't speak, he was too smart for that. If he used a normal voice then someone might overhear. He waited until he'd sat down in the chair beside him before he said anything. "I should have known you would do something like this eventually. Your kind, you're all alike. A bunch of thoughtless thugs who don't care about their families." He hissed, angrily. 'Your kind' was an affectionate term that Henry used to describe any Latino man who had committed a crime.

 

John didn't respond. He didn't see a point to it, since nothing he said would justify it. Once his father had made up his mind about why he did something, then there was no convincing him otherwise. If he had determined that this was a result of his natural violent tendencies stemming from his ethnicity, then that was what he was going to think. He didn't even bother to point out that if they were going with stereotypes, then he should care a whole lot about his family.

 

The silence was better than his speaking, but it did nothing to calm his father's anger. "You've never done anything in your life to make me proud, but you could at least not give me a reason to be ashamed of you."

 

He wished he could say that things like that didn't affect him anymore, that he no longer felt the sting from his dad's harsh words. If he did, it would be a lie though. They cut deep. He was thankful when the door opened and the principal came in to explain the situation. He didn't listen of course, but he was glad to have his father's attention somewhere else for a while, and to have somebody else in the room. Whatever he was saying didn't matter, it wouldn't help his case. He had been the one to instigate things when he should have ignored them. It was exactly the kind of thing he wasn't supposed to do. Even in his peripheral vision, it was easy to see that Henry was agitated. All too soon, they were dismissed and headed out.

 

"That was very noble of your son!" The voice stopped both of them on their way to the front door. In front of him, Henry turned all the way around to face the secretary who had spoken, and John dared a glance toward her. "That boy is a menace, and we all know it. He's been hitting girls since middle school, and everyone is too afraid to stop him. You should be proud of him for being so brave." She smiled warmly at them. "If all of us here had anything to say about it, he'd be getting an award, not a suspension."

 

There was a heavy pause, and John didn't look up at his dad out of fear. He wasn't sure if this would help anything, but he did feel himself standing a little taller, a little more proud. "Thank you m'am, I'm sure he appreciates that. I've always taught him to do the right thing."

 

The right thing. That was unexpected, to say the least. He didn't comment on it, just said a quick 'thank you' and followed his dad out the door to his car. There was another reason that it had to have been when he was an underclassman, if he was older he would have driven himself home. He did have his own car.

 

They spent the first few minutes of the drive in silence, both of them tense and uncomfortable. Eventually, Henry was the first to speak. "So you were defending a girl from her boyfriend?" It was a rhetorical question, but John nodded anyway. He knew better than to look up from his lap, even if he was answering. "You fought another young man who you knew you couldn't beat, because you wanted to protect someone who couldn't protect herself?" There was a hint of something unfamiliar in his voice. He hadn't heard it before, but it didn't sound bad exactly. It might even have been positive. "I've raised you well." He added after a pause, and suddenly John understood. That tone he was using was one of pride.

 

"I'm sorry for causing trouble." He spoke quietly, testing the waters. He wasn't sure what to do in this situation, he'd never been faced with it before. Edging around Henry was a practiced art that he had become very skilled at, but it only worked in familiar territory.

 

His father's hand swung up, and John flinched noticeably. Either it went unnoticed or it was ignored, because the hand clapped him on the shoulder fondly. "Don't be sorry for standing up for what you believe in, son. That's what makes you a man." He was actually beaming at him, like he did in front of the cameras. Only right now he wasn't in front of any cameras. "Did you hear what that nice woman said? It sounds like you're a hero!"

 

A hero. A hero? All he'd done is get punched and kicked. It wasn't even a very long fight, and he certainly didn't win. Sure, the moral high ground was his, but what did that matter? It didn't. This was just bizarre. "But I got beaten dad, don't you care that I made an idiot of myself?" He knew it was stupid to seek out some kind of negative reaction, but he didn't know what else to do. Didn't know how to even begin to understand what was going on. It was like someone had replaced the real Henry Laurens with a normal loving father or something.

 

"A man who is willing to be defeated to make a stand is noble in his own way, son. Like someone who sacrifices themselves for the greater good. You may have damaged your own permanent record by getting suspended, but you got that other boy expelled. From what she was saying, it sounds like it's a good thing too." Henry explained, more mildly and pleasantly than he'd spoken to him one-on-one for as long as he could remember. "You proved that you have good character today, people will remember that."

  
_'People will remember that my son has good character'_  was the unspoken message, and suddenly it made sense. It was okay that he had broken the rules, because it would reflect on his father. Having the brave son willing to stand up to a bully twice his size would make him look wonderful. It was like David and Goliath, except Goliath won, and David's dad would get all the glory. Oddly, he didn't mind that. He didn't really care about the reason, as long as he knew his dad was proud of him. Finally, for once in his life, he'd proven that he wasn't worthless, and all he'd needed to do was get a little roughed up.

* * *

After that, John started seeking out situations where he could stand up for what was right. Whenever someone picked on another kid, he was there to stop it. He was smart enough to stay off of school grounds, so he wouldn't get expelled, but he tried to get in at least one fight every couple months. Never against anyone he could beat either, and not against girls, regardless of how tough they may be. In South Carolina at least, hitting a girl made a man a coward. Beating up some scrawny boy would make him a bully. Getting pummeled was a brave self-sacrifice.

 

He knew that people thought he was stupid for jumping into situations where he knew he was going to be beaten up. Even Henry thought that, to an extent, but he believed that his son was noble. Only someone truly selfless would go through the pain of constantly getting bruises and stitches and broken bones just to stand up for people who needed help. He was wrong. In reality, getting beaten up was a completely selfish act.

 

It wasn't like he really cared about most of the things he fought about. Sure, he didn't like people being hurt, but he knew there were other ways he could stop things. He knew there were ways to end things without being beaten to a pulp, but he didn't want that. Every punch, every kick, every scratch made him worth something in his father's eyes, and as much as he hated it, he craved that. He loved the feeling of having someone who'd always viewed him as a nuisance and a burden be proud of him. He needed it, desperately.

 

When he finally realized that he was gay in his senior year, things got worse. He'd been aware that he wasn't as interested in girls as he should have been for a long time, but he was in denial about having an interest in other men. All of a sudden though he had his first really bad crush, and it was too strong to ignore or pretend that it was just a normal friend thing. He hated himself for it. For the last year or two he'd done so much to gain his father's approval, and now he was gay. He would never be accepted for that. Not by his dad, and probably not by his siblings. They were more open minded, but it was South Carolina and they were all raised to be conservative Christians. Even if they didn't hate him for it, they would pretend to around Henry.

 

Perhaps more importantly, John hated himself for it. He didn't have a real problem with people being gay, but he'd still been taught his whole life that it was wrong. It had been shoved down his throat that gay people would go to hell, and he decided that he probably deserved that. This was his punishment for seeking out fights so selfishly. All that he'd been working for was ruined. Henry would never be proud of him if he found out, and inevitably he would. 

 

In the meantime though, he would do anything and everything to enjoy the smiles and talks about how he was as brave and selfless as his dad. Maybe if he was lucky, he'd get killed before he ever had to face the shame and humiliation of his family knowing about his sexuality. Maybe if he was reckless enough he could have a hero's death and make his father proud one last time.

**Author's Note:**

> Another one by me and not my friend, which means suffering. 90% of all things I write are just emotional pain and I'm really sorry, but if you like angst then I guess that's good. You can follow/talk to me at incredibly-cold.tumblr.com. Reviews are the best, I love hearing about if my attempts at writing something really painful are successful.


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